Pessimistic thought alert, but do you also think you’ve been progressively becoming your least happy self over the last few years? It’s something Gallup’s happiness index confirms: people have been becoming less and less happy. India is at 116/136. It’s slightly disappointing because we are at one of the most technologically advanced phases in human history.
And yet - we are unhappy, depressed, and lonely.
Today’s issue is about one of those existential questions I often find myself asking - what is true happiness, and does it even exist?
Scientific Data and what it tells us
The first thing I learnt is that science doesn't even define happiness the way most of us do. Happiness is NOT a permanent emotional high (surprise, surprise). Psychologists usually divide happiness into two different ideas:
1. Feeling good (Hedonic happiness)
This is what we usually chase. Eating your favourite food, getting promoted, buying a new phone, going on vacation, falling in love.
These moments feel amazing- but they're temporary because our brains eventually adapt to these highs after a while. Scientists call this hedonic adaptation.
It's why the dream income you worked 5 years for eventually just becomes... your income. This is why just becoming successful doesn’t make you happy.
2. Living well (Eudaimonic happiness)
This is about feeling that your life has meaning. Building a business, learning a difficult skill, helping someone, working towards something bigger than yourself.
Ironically, these things aren't always pleasant in the moment. They can be stressful, exhausting, and even frustrating. Yet people consistently report greater life satisfaction when they have purpose rather than constant pleasure.
It was kinda liberating but equally sad when I got to know that we can not always control our happiness. A scientist named Sonja Lyubomirsky found that almost 30-50% of happiness is predetermined by GENETICS.
If you see your parents constantly cribbing, well, what can I say, I feel for you. The good news is rest 40% is STILL in our hands.
Also, unlike what social media would have us believe, life circumstances (vacations, buying stuff, promotion, a new relationship, a bigger house, or moving to a different city, etc.) contribute to only 10% of our happiness. The reason is hedonic adaptation yet again. Our brain gets used to it.
This is often called the hedonic treadmill - the idea that we're constantly running after the next milestone, only to end up emotionally where we started.
Does money buy happiness?
100% yes. People with higher incomes generally report being happier than people struggling to meet their basic needs. That's because money reduces stress. It gives us security and choices.
Recent research by Matthew Killingsworth found that happiness can continue to increase with income, but it isn't the money people are really chasing. It's what money allows them to do.
The way you spend it also matters. This is why two people earning the exact same salary can have completely different levels of happiness.
If success, money, and achievements don't create lasting happiness... then what actually does?
This made scientists curious, too, and that led to one of the longest scientific studies ever conducted.
The single strongest predictor of happiness was surprisingly simple: The quality of your relationships. Nordic countries constantly rate higher in the happiness index because of their social values and lives.
It's funny because if someone asked us to design the perfect life, most of us would probably start with money, career, or success (that’s capitalism for you, my friends).
But really, just finding a tribe, building your support system, is what you gotta do. With experience, I do say this - this is not one bit easy. I’ve had a lot of friendship heartbreaks that hurt like a biatch. I’ve had to rebuild my friendships and connections, and it took a lot of active effort to do that (from both parties).
Note to self: I must write on this sometime.
So... how do we actually become happier?
Remember the 40% part that we can still control? Scientists researched a couple of ways that contribute to happiness. Here are some practical steps to become happier based on those studies + some personal recommendations.
1. Invest in good relationships: This is something I’ve seen fading over the past few years. People have started preferring their phone time over a good catch-up with friends. We all need to be more deliberate in finding depths in our relationships.
Call more often. Yea yea, you’re a “text-person,” but there’s something about hearing voice/video calls/voice notes that just is irreplaceable.
Make more plans, surprise people, gift them, and put more effort in general.
Avoid collecting people like Pokémon. Actually, really nurture them. Depth > how many friends you have.
Not giving attention to your friends. I see this more often than not in women around me, and this is #1 reason I cut off (judge me all you want). You’ve gotta give attention to the person in front of you, rather than just talking about your partner all the time or only focusing on your needs.
Attend social events (not networking events) - community groups, volunteering, therapy groups, social skills training, these have positive effects on happiness.
2. Buy back your time: When you buy something, ask yourself: "Will this purchase save me time, reduce stress, or create memories?" Research suggests those purchases tend to bring more lasting happiness than buying more stuff. It’s mostly a void you’re trying to fill.
3. Health + Moving More: This is where I lack myself, but research emphasizes this over and over again. Any activity that allows you to move. For example, I recently noticed I can complete my 10k steps much more easily if you leave me at a shopping mall (and I enjoy every moment). Yoga, mindfulness, and positive psychology have been proven beneficial too.
4. Keep one meaningful project in your life: It may be your purpose, a side hustle, something you wanna deeply learn, ideally, something that has nothing to do with ROI. Something that excites you enough to get out of bed, even if nobody else cares about it.
That’s pretty much it - I feel happier after writing and discovering and somehow more in control, knowing I can’t even control most of my happiness. Something to do with surrender and stuff.
That being said, I would love to know what makes you happy and what you are chasing. Write back to me?
Wishing you the truest of joys 🌸
Until next time,
- Shrishti